Since I can remember, whenever I felt jumbled and didn’t really know what to think or do I listened to music, wrote, or both. I don’t have an iPod, which makes it hard to just walk around with no purpose and think with music flowing (a unique word that means helpfully) through the ear buds. So I sit here at my computer listening to my 8 gigs of music and writing.
I feel, right now, as if my life is unorganized. I don’t have a job which is irritating. Partially because I need the money but partially because I’ve had a job since 2007 and don’t really feel comfortable without working. I am doing so much, but none of it is really for a purpose. I’ve gone to something held at CSU practically everyday since I’ve been here. Whether sporting events, or a free event, or this or that. I do my school work, I study (which never happened in high school), I like a lot of my classes, I’m not partying, and I’m being responsible. I just feel like I need something else. Not as if I’m missing out or not doing something. I think I’m actually doing too much to just have time with my thoughts. But then when I have time with my thoughts it always turns to the same things.
I’m a shy person. In honesty I feel as though silently I’m judged everywhere I go so I don’t like to be an obvious person in the sight. I have yet to branch out greatly. On my floor I speak to three people: my suitemates and Melissa (a fellow hockey fan). Everywhere else I’m either with Adam or Alicia, and if not I’m alone. I thought I was branching out a little more with the guys, but they all live in Allison, with Alicia, so here in Summit, I’m the last to find out about anything they’re doing.
Most of me wants to just be in 2014 so I can have graduated, which will probably take 5 years instead of 4, and be doing something more important with my life. I hate being in school. But I don’t hate it at the same time. Everyone keeps asking me what I can do with my major, watershed science, and the more it’s asked the less sure I am. I know I want to research. But where? When? How? Will I find a job out of college? Will I be able to survive off that job? Will I be happy? All these questions rush through my mind when I’m asked “And what will you do with that?”
I’ve found so many new passions at college. Like anthropology, and Middle Eastern Studies, and still watershed science. But I think I’m held back by my subconscious. I know how it is to grow up poor, and it sucks. So I’m always thinking about money. Me being able to make money from work, and thrive not just survive on my income, and then having money when I’m married, again being able to thrive not just survive. It’s always on my mind whether I want to think about it or not. Here everyone needs a job, and no one is hiring. I can only work till May, I can’t work during Christmas because I get kicked out of the dorms for break. But they should be used to that right?
Thoughts are still rushing and this is only minimally organizing them. We’ll see how fiction writing works.
